Help Me Spend My Newfound Fortune

And I owe it all to my lucky four-leaf clover. (Credit: D Sharon Pruitt)

Oh, ye of little faith! I knew if I worked really hard, was very patient and faithfully said my “I am growing richer every day” affirmation, my ship would eventually come in…and at long last it has. (And no, it’s not the Titanic, smartass.)

After several months of disappointment after disappointment, and the people around me pleading with me to just give it up already, in the last week I’ve had dozens of people tripping over themselves to throw money at me. (Yes, I’ll remember all you little people when I’m sipping a Bloody Mary on my private beach. “Antonio, mon cher…could you rub sunscreen on my back, s’il vous plait? There’s a dear.”)

I’m terrible at math, but it looks like I have around $5 billion in winnings coming to me. Coca-Cola wants to give me money, as does “Facebook Lottery,” Kiva, the Australian International Lottery Program, a German widow and several Nigerian princes. All I have to do is send them a few personal details or a small sum of money, in exchange for more cash than my children’s children could ever spend. (Seriously, who sends scams like these to a journalist? We’re the worst possible targets.)

Being the generous gal I am, I don’t think it’s fair for me to hoard all this dough. So kids, start making your Christmas wish lists and tell me what you want Mama Lea to buy you. Just think of me as the new Oprah.

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