Lea at Large

How I Learned to Think Like a Rock Star

2010-04-23T11:32:00.009-05:00

Image by Anirudh Koul under Creative Commons license

"I'd love to go to art school. I'd love to learn how to draw. I'd love to be fluent in Spanish. I'd like to be a brain surgeon."
Billie Joe Armstrong

I've interviewed a lot of musicians (sadly, not Billie Joe Armstrong). Some have never performed outside their home state, while others have traveled the world and played stadiums. What struck me about all of them wasn't just their talent; it was their view of themselves and of the world:

They don't wait for the "right time."
Many of these artists started young, some even dropping out of school. And they took the first chance they saw, even if it was just lending a guitar lead to an established musician. And for those already well into adulthood, they didn't wait until they retired or their kids were out of school -- and they didn't tell themselves they were too old. They performed wherever and whenever they could, even if it was just an impromptu jam session on the weekend or a gig at a tiny coffeehouse no one's ever heard of.

"I may not believe in myself, but I believe in what I'm doing."
Jimmy Page

Their "job" is also their drug of choice.
I recently asked a hard rock musician what his biggest vice was. Jack Daniels? Sex? Texas Hold'em? Nope. "Rock and roll." After 30 years of performing, music is still his passion. He tours, forms new bands, collaborates with other artists. He hasn't lost that eight-year-old boy who stared at the TV, transfixed by "Black Sabbath Live in Paris." Many of my peers lost that fire five or 10 years into their careers. I think I lost it as soon as I started getting a paycheck. Where's the ache to communicate I felt at eight years old? Back then, it woke me up at 2 a.m., sending me running to my little white desk to compose poems about unicorns with my Hello Kitty pen (pink ink!) and My Little Pony stationary. Now, writing is just another item on my to-do list, along with buying kitty litter and scheduling a dentist appointment.

They know there's more to life than "the biz."
It would be easy to forget there's a great big world outside the music industry. It is a competitive, crowded world, after all, and succeeding there requires everything you think you have and then some. But if you give all that away, what's left? I envy how the musicians I've met give as much to their families and their hobbies as they do to their careers. One singer-songwriter I interviewed is a pinball and crossword addict. Others teach philosophy or sociology. Many also have spouses and children. Like Billie Joe Armstrong, they're fascinated by everything from art to science. Even when their musical careers thrive, they continue to nurture their other interests. No doubt these extracurricular activities provide them with balance and emotional well-being (crucial to surviving in the entertainment industry), as well as plenty of material for new songs.

They don't expect a fairy tale.
We love an overnight success story, don't we? That, and the "getting your big break" myth. The musicians I've interviewed never expected that, even though they liked the idea of fame and fortune. They just realized they'd have to work hard to get there. (That old-fashioned notion of "paying your dues.") They tour relentlessly, sometimes acting as their own roadie, bus driver, and anything else they must. They gladly open for other bands. Some even take day jobs in between tours. And when something goes wrong -- their record label drops them, they lose a band member -- they don't take to Twitter or their website and blame God, or Satan, or their critics. They just get back to work.

Certainly, there are a lot of divas out there. They perform drunk, show up late to concerts, frequently indulge in public rants. I've been lucky enough to meet the kind of musicians who view a music career as a lifelong adventure and trek. They are perpetual students, sometimes learning a new instrument or genre mid-way through their careers. They don't label themselves. They blur lines and break rules. And they've changed the way I view success, talent and creativity.

Lady Marmalade, I think I love you, even if we are just living on a prayer...

2010-02-28T12:19:00.001-06:00

"What's your musical guilty pleasure?"

That's a question I've asked several interviewees (all musicians) lately. My favorite response so far: "I feel no guilt for musical pleasures." Nice. Very nice. Music is entertainment. It's meant to be enjoyed.

I dislike most Top 40 music. I prefer obscure and experimental bands. Or early jazz and blues performers. Basically, anything besides what I hear on the radio every day. However, there are several radio-friendly tunes I adore. The kind you turn up so loud you blow out the speakers in your car. The kind you sing at the top of your lungs while you're cleaning the cat boxes or loading the dishwasher. Here are a few of the songs that I have, until now, refused to admit I often leave on repeat.

1. "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" -- Beastie Boys
2. "Super Freak" -- Rick James
3. "In My House" -- Mary Jane Girls
4. "I Think I Love You" -- The Partridge Family
5. "Lady Marmalade" -- LaBelle
6. "Don't Stop Believin'" -- Journey
7. "Humpty Dance" -- Digital Underground
8. "We're Not Gonna Take It" -- Twisted Sister
9. "Living on a Prayer" -- Bon Jovi
10. "Eye of the Tiger" -- Survivor

So...what's your musical guilty pleasure? Do share, won't you? We promise not to laugh.

Related posts:
Albums I can listen to over and over and over...
My Life According to The Cure
Movies that ALWAYS put me in a good mood

Two Little Words

2009-10-15T15:24:00.001-05:00

Being a decent writer is a useful skill -- like when writing witty status updates for Facebook and Twitter, for example. But there's one area where it does nothing for me: telling the people closest to me how I feel. I already knew this, but really felt it when a friend recently lost a loved one.

I wanted to send this friend a note, but when I sat down at the keyboard, no words would come. Suddenly I was no longer this person's friend; I was a Writer. I felt this pressure to say just the right thing, something that would ease my friend's suffering and let them know how sad I was for them. Something deep, poetic, profound. I started and stopped several times, but everything I typed sounded pretentious, or preachy or like something you've read in a thousand different sympathy cards. At the time, I talked to this person practically every day, about everything from work to relationships. So why was this so hard?

I realized a couple of things. First, I was trying to imitate everything well-intentioned people say to you when you lose someone. About the person being in a better place, about there being a plan, etc, etc. Maybe all that's true, but it never helps me when I'm grieving. All I know is I'm hurting. Talking to me about some larger plan just makes me feel selfish or wrong for being sad.

Secondly, my friend and I didn't have that kind of relationship. We didn't sit around and wax poetic, or talk about the meaning of life and death and suffering or anything like that. We talked about pop culture. We complained about coworkers. On occasion we exchanged very inappropriate jokes. If I tried to pretend I had answers or insights into why bad things happen, it would just seem insincere.

Yes, I did finally send a note. What did I say? The only thing that wouldn't seem preachy or insincere, the one thing that couldn't be misconstrued, the one thing that would simply express empathy: "I'm sorry."

The Thursday 13: Movies that ALWAYS put me in a good mood

2009-10-01T10:25:00.003-05:00

Most of these wouldn't be considered "art." They don't necessarily have some huge message. But they make me laugh. And sometimes that's all that matters. Most of these also fall into the "movies-I've-seen-so-many-times-I-can-recite-the-dialogue" category.

1. So I Married an Axe Murderer
2. Better off Dead
3. The 'Burbs
4. Pretty in Pink
5. Back to the Future
6. Grease
7. Breakfast at Tiffany's
8. Moonstruck
9. When Harry Met Sally
10. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
11. Beetlejuice
12. Fletch
13. La Cage aux Folles (and the Robin Williams version, "The Birdcage")

Other "Thursday 13" Posts:
Albums I can listen to over and over and over...
Mental Vacation
Things I Promise NOT to Do to You on Facebook
Some of My Favorite Addictions
Why I Like Being a Freelance Journalist

My Life According to The Cure

2009-09-29T10:28:00.002-05:00

This is one of those "notes" that's been circulating around Facebook. I thought it would make an interesting blog post. Here are the rules: Pick one artist, and answer the following questions using titles from their songs. I chose The Cure, which may have been a mistake because they have SO many titles that fit me.

Are you a male or female?
Bird Mad Girl

Describe yourself:
Out of Mind

How do you feel:
In Between Days

Describe where you currently live:
Fascination Street

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Where the Birds Always Sing

Favorite form of transportation:
Mint Car

Your best friend is:
Pictures of You

What's the weather like:
The Last Day of Summer

Favorite time of day:
10:15 Saturday Night

If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:
Cut Here

What is life to you:
Grinding Halt

Your fear:
Never Enough

What is the best advice you have to give:
Let's Go to Bed

Thought for the Day:
More Than This

How I would like to die:
Just Like Heaven

My soul's present condition:
Doing the Unstuck

My motto:
To Wish Impossible Things

The Thursday 13: Albums I can listen to over and over and over...

2009-09-24T10:00:00.001-05:00

There are more; these are just the first 13 I thought of. And they're not necessarily in order. And some I only have on vinyl so I can't listen to at all.

1. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" soundtrack
2. "Disintegration" by The Cure
3. "Bloodletting" by Concrete Blonde
4. "Shake These Blues" by Pinkie and the Snake Shakers
5. "Pretty in Pink" soundtrack
6. "Promise" by Sade
7. Sue Saad and the Next (self-titled)
8. "Strong Persuader" by Robert Cray
9. Chris Isaak (self-titled)
10. "Grace" by Jeff Buckley
11. "Dummy" by Portishead
12. "Chimera" by Delerium
13. "You've Done Lost Your Good Thing Now" by B.B. King

So maybe I should appreciate my job a little more...

2009-09-22T10:15:00.002-05:00

Sometimes (OK, a lot of the time), I complain about my job. Freelance journalists don't earn enough, don't get much respect, and of course there's the no benefits/health insurance/401k disadvantage that comes from being self-employed. And much of the time I feel like I'm writing "fluff" pieces, or articles that probably won't even be read. But every now and then something reminds me why I became a journalist.

I just finished an article about two women who adopted children from another country, and who are now starting a charity to help that area. During the interview I'm already feeling a little guilty about how I complain about my sluggish computer, or the two digital cameras that don't work, when I'm hearing about the thousands of people who live in fear of constant violence and may not always even have food. At the end of the interview, the children want to say hello to me. One thanks me for writing the article and "helping people in the Congo." I may communicate for a living, but I had no idea what to say to this teenage boy. Sure, I was excited about writing an article about a good cause. But I just thought of it as interesting story about the benefits of adopting from another country, or about the dedication involved in starting a charity. I never thought of my article as something that might directly help people halfway across the world. Equally surprising, I realized that sometimes, the best reward is just a "thank you." And I feel I owe him, this boy half my age, a thank you for reminding me not to complain so much.

I just don't get kids today...

2009-09-20T14:47:00.002-05:00

I say this more and more often. Just a few years ago, I was the one older friends and relatives came to for insider information about "modern youth culture." I knew what bling and tramp stamp meant, and could decipher some basic text/IM abbreviations like TTYL and BRB. I was also quite proud of knowing the meanings of FML, WTF? and STFU. Lately, though, I have no clue what anyone under the age of 30 is saying. Plus, their music annoys me and I am quite confused by their fashion sense. Apparently, sometime in the last few years, I became an "old fogey." Before long, I will be spotted sprinting out of my house carrying a broom and chasing away those no-good JDs who trample my flower garden.

"Get away from my daffodils, you whippersnappers!"

What showed me just how old I've gotten? Video games. In my day (*groan*), we had Pac-Man, a strange little creature running around eating dots and making beeping noises. (I had the Texas Instruments version - "Munch Man.") I still remember when Super Mario Bros was introduced. Wow! Look at the pretty colors! And all those characters! And all those levels!

For my generation, video games were just an entertaining diversion; today they are a way of life. There are magazines, organizations, online gaming groups. Video games are now complex alternative universes. Learning the rules and lingo for those is hard enough, and I'm way out of my league when it comes to virtual reality games. Isn't it enough work creating a "real" identity for myself? Now I have to pick an online persona as well? Blue hair? Black hair? Schoolgirl uniform? Overalls? Tall? Short? Slender? Uh, "full-figured?" I'm still trying to figure out who I want be when I grow up, in the offline world, I mean, and I can't help but think I could put all that energy and creativity to better use. Still, it's not just the teens and tweens who speak a language I can't understand, play games I don't get and dress in things I wouldn't have been caught dead in when I was younger. People my age are adopting all of this too. And wouldn't I be narrow-minded not to at least try to figure out what all this is about? Besides, I'm a journalist. I could call it "research."

So, with what's left of my weekend, I think I'll fire up my old Texas Instruments computer, read a fashion magazine or two, maybe even watch "Gossip Girl" or "One Tree Hill." Or maybe I'll just watch Mystery! on PBS, listen to one of my old Cure CDs and pass out after the evening news.

The Thursday 13: Mental Vacation

2009-09-17T14:17:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to be a good little worker bee, really I am. But I am feeling a bit restless and in need of a day off. So I thought for today's Thursday 13, I'd let myself think about all the places I wish I was, in the hopes of temporarily getting it out of my system. Then maybe I can get back to work. Maybe.

Physically I am at the computer, but mentally I am here:

1. At the State Fair.
2. At the Million Dollar Museum in White's City, N.M. (They had mummies and a really cool fortune-teller machine.)
3. Anywhere my dogs are welcome. : )
4. At any one of the, like 50, concerts I've missed lately.
5. At Starwind, which used to be my favorite store but no longer exists.
6. Anywhere that requires at least an hour's drive.
7. Roller skating.
8. At an arcade.
9. At a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
10. At the library.
11. At a poetry reading.
12. At a thrift store, antique shop or garage sale.
13. Somewhere where there's no Internet or cell phone.

The Thursday 13: Things I Promise NOT to Do to You on Facebook

2009-09-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

1. I will not throw Justin Timberlake, Barack Obama or any other public figure at you.
2. I won't "poke" you.
3. I won't invite you to take every quiz I take.
4. I won't tag you in a photo without your permission.
5. I won't tag you in a note unless you regularly tag me in notes.
6. I won't start a pillow fight, water gun fight or any other kind of virtual war with you -- but will be forced to defend myself if you start one with me. : )
7. I won't send you Farm Town, FarmVille or Mafia Wars gifts unless I know you're an active player.
8. I won't ask you to take my "How well do you know me?" quiz.
9. I won't ask you to join a cause.
10. I won't say anything too private or personal in a wall post or status update comment - after all, I remember how to use e-mail and the telephone.
11. I won't mention you by name in a note without your permission.
12. I won't ask you about your plans for the evening/weekend/lunch, etc. on your Facebook page.
13. I won't post "remember when" comments about grade school, junior high, etc. on your Facebook page.

Music sounded better on 8-track

2009-09-10T11:56:00.001-05:00

My first 8-track? "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" soundtrack. My mother bought it for me when I was about two -- after she'd taken me to see the movie. It was stolen -- so she bought it for me again on vinyl.

The Thursday 13: Some of My Favorite Addictions

2009-09-03T09:25:00.001-05:00

Don't worry; they're all PG-rated. :-)

1. Anything chocolate
2. Pinball
3. Skee-ball
4. IM
5. Lip balm
6. Mystery novels
7. Farm Town and FarmVille
8. Otis Spunkmeyer chocolate chocolate chip muffins
9. Thrift stores
10. Crossword puzzles
11. Blogging
12. Coca-cola
13. Eggplant parmigiana from The Olive Garden

The Dangers of Multitasking

2009-08-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

Fasten your seatbelt. Stay away from dark parking lots at night. Never order anything with garlic at a business lunch. We're so cautious when we leave the house, but are often blind to an equally perilous activity, one that lurks within our own homes...multitasking!

Yes, multitasking is a necessary evil. You need three of you just to keep up. I get it. At any given moment, I may be doing laundry, vacuuming the living room and trying to decide what to wear to tomorrow's client meeting. All while listening for the doorbell so I won't miss the UPS guy. But when you divide your attention among several tasks, can you give any of them the attention they deserve? Chronic multitasking can turn your once-sharp mind into oatmeal. (Oh dear -- did I leave the oatmeal cookies in the oven again?) Chores that once seemed routine may suddenly feel more complicated than the SATs. Your head swims as you try to remember how to operate the blender, partly because you're also making a mental grocery list and trying to decide what to buy your sister for her birthday. This is how those innocent but embarrassing mistakes occur, like when you put your keys in the freezer and the ice tray in your purse.

Sure, we're all busy, but does that mean we have to drive ourselves crazy every day? Heck no! I think we're trying to do too much. Does dinner have to look like something out of Martha Stewart Living? No -- it just has to be edible. Does your lawn have to be the greenest on the block? Do you have to accept every dinner party invitation. Probably not.

So join me in a pledge to banish multitasking once and for all. Repeat after me: Starting today, I will not be a slave to the demands of modern life. I will live for the moment! (As soon as I run the dishwasher and put away the laundry. And while I'm at it, I should scrub the bathtub, decide what to have for dinner...)

Zzzzzzzz.....

2009-08-16T12:13:00.002-05:00

My dear, whatever is wrong? Oh, I see, you nodded off at the breakfast table again and landed right in your bowl of Frosted Flakes. Oh, you poor thing. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. Sleep deprivation is an epidemic. Why, it's all the rage this year! However, it is also dangerous -- it can cause injury, memory loss and confusion. With early detection, though, the damage can usually be reversed. If you suffer from any of these symptoms, seek help immediately:

1. Hallucinations. Inanimate objects seem to come to life. Maybe your pencil starts speaking German, or your dog prances through the room wearing a pink tutu. Or maybe, like an acquaintance of mine, your electrical outlets start talking to you. I told her to ignore the voices and get some sleep, but she was too busy arguing with her toaster to listen.

2. Paranoia. Even the most ordinary situations seem sinister. The postal carrier, for example, is part of a diabolical government conspiracy. Every day he brings me mail addressed to "Resident." Who is this person called Resident, and why do funeral homes keep sending him half-price specials? The post office tried to tell me I was Resident, but I told them I wanted no part of their evil plan for mind control.

3. Memory loss. You forget small things -- you know, like where you left your keys or what planet you're from. I routinely forget where I've left my glasses, only to realize they're on the end of my nose. Fortunately, there is a surefire cure for memory loss. Unfortunately, I can't remember it. Maybe my toaster knows.

4. Confusion. This is why you put your keys in the freezer and ice trays in your purse. Getting through the day is like navigating a maze. I'm always so tired I have a habit of falling asleep in strange places throughout the house. When I wake up, I have no clue where I am or why my house shoes growl when I try to move my feet. Oh, never mind...that's just my dog. No, Fluffy, I am NOT buying you a tiara. You'll just have be content with your pink tutu!

Five Things I Learned This Week

2009-08-08T11:23:00.000-05:00

1. It's possible to be simultaneously flattered and insulted.

2. The things I thought made me "weird" are evidently what people like most about me.

3. There are more emoticons and text/IM abbreviations than I can ever hope to memorize.

4. There is at least one person out there who will "get" your sense of humor.

5. Sometimes forgetting that exhaustive list of interview questions you labored over actually makes for a better interview.

Decode the hidden meaning behind your name!

2009-08-03T12:50:00.001-05:00

If you're on Facebook, you've probably seen this nifty little tool. It assigns an adjective to each letter of your name, and this reveals your personality, blah blah blah. Mine did not fit me, so of course, I created my own. :-)

Late
Evasive (so I've been told)
Average

Thrifty
Excitable
Reflective
Rattled
Young at heart ; )

Just wondering...

2009-08-01T12:44:00.001-05:00

How odd. It seems I have nothing to say today. I do have plenty of questions, however, swirling around in my brain and making me quite dizzy. Maybe if I release a few of them out into the blogosphere, they'll find someone better able to aid them with their quest for self-discovery. More than likely, though, they'll boomerang right back to me. One small request: please don't give me a concussion this time.

So, my little ones, off you go. I'm afraid there's nothing more I can do for you.

1. Should I dye my hair purple?

2. Why is the thing you're looking for always in the last place you look? ; )

3. What would happen if I did everything I'm supposed to do, when I'm supposed to do it? Because I fear the earth might spin off its axis or Hell might freeze over. At the very least, everyone would have to find someone else to nag.

4. Where are these things? My Iggy Pop t-shirt, the 3-D glasses I've had since grade school, the class photo from the Yukon Citizens Fire Academy and the cruddy tweezers I never really liked but are adequate so I'm too cheap to replace them.

5. How the heck did I end up being the sane one?

Doppelganger

2009-07-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

It's said we all have a double, or doppelganger. More than likely, this person is halfway across the world, so we'll never meet them, and they'll never disrupt our lives in any way. That is not the case for me. It seems that my doppelganger lives right here in my very own city. Not only that, but she apparently visits the same shops, restaurants and other establishments I do. Shop owners frequently insist they have seen me before, and even say they remember what day it was and what we talked about. Since I don't remember recently having had discussions about quantum physics or cigars, I'm sure they have me confused with someone else.

I used to think I just had a common face, but it's becoming difficult to dismiss this as "coincidence."Even when I took a job in another town, one to which I'd never been before, I routinely met people who swore they'd met me. It's now down to three possibilities, each more baffling than the next: the doppelganger theory, split personality or astral travel. Of those, the doppelganger idea is definitely the most plausible. There's one thing that really perplexes me, though -- I know she's the one following me, so why does she always get there first? And what kind of damage might she do to my reputation? So far, she's apparently been an upstanding, law-abiding citizen, but what if she decides to wreak a little havoc? I could find myself with some explaining to do.

"Glass half full" person that I am, though, I'm starting to see some advantages to this situation. After all, how many people can legitimately use the "evil twin" excuse ?

The Week in Facebook Quizzes

2009-07-24T19:06:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am a quiz-a-holic. No point in denying it; after all, my Facebook friends are subjected to my endless stream of quizzes on a more or less daily basis. Besides, they're fun and some of them are actually pretty accurate. (I don't think I should reveal which ones, though.

So what did I learn about myself this week? Here are a few of the highlights:

1. What kind of girlfriend are you? "Best friend"
2. Who were you in a past life? "Queen"
3. What's your dream job? "Homicide detective"
4. How will you get famous? "Teen idol"
5. What animal are you? "Llama"

I'm not superstitious...

2009-07-18T15:12:00.001-05:00

...well, maybe just a little. But that's an occupational hazard. Writers, indeed anyone considered "artistic" or "creative," can be a superstitious lot. There are phrases you can't say, phrases you must say, complicated rituals to complete before work can begin. I expect this superstition from fellow writers and artists; after all, our industries are unpredictable, and these superstitions help us feel that we're doing a little something extra to ensure our good luck. But lately I've noticed rampant superstition among my friends and acquaintances. Upon noticing that these people have significantly better fortune than I do, I wondered if they might be on to something. And wasn't it my journalistic duty to conduct an objective investigation of their beliefs? For the most part, the superstitions centered around a couple of principles:

1. Be careful what you wish for.
I have one friend, "Amelia," who refuses to express even the slightest desire that something occur. Not only will it occur, she says, but it will be all wrong and get you into all sorts of trouble. As an example, Amelia had this old car, a real clunker. One day she became so infuriated with it that she wished it could just disappear. And it did disappear -- the very next day. Stolen while she was in the auto parts store, and found the day after that, at the bottom of a lake, stripped.

2. Don't say that - you'll jinx it!
Another friend, "Henry," believes our words possess great power. If you talk about something you hope will happen, like a job offer, it won't. The same theory is true for what you don't want to happen, Henry insists. If you're afraid of some impending doom -- like a demotion -- tell everyone you know, everyone who will listen, about your fear. The more you talk about it, the less likely it is to occur.

3. Don't press your luck!
This may be the most powerful of the three. Have you noticed that in the movies, when someone says "How bad could it be?" or "It can't get any worse," things inevitably spiral downward? In fact, I'm a little nervous at having written those phrases. But as I said before, I'm not superstitious. I think these are just self-fulfilling prophecies, and if people stopped believing in them, they would have no power. And that's why I am not at all affected by these silly superstitions.

Knock on wood.

The Thursday Thirteen - Why I Like Being a Freelance Journalist

2009-07-09T15:15:00.000-05:00

Sure, I'll play. I've seen this meme on other blogs, and thought it looked like fun. Every Thursday you make a list of 13 things on the same subject. And away we go!

Thirteen reasons I like being a freelance journalist:

1. I get paid to learn about everything from art to historic preservation.
2. I meet people I would never meet otherwise.
3. Sometimes, these people become friends.
4. Since I work from home, my "coworkers" are my dogs and cats.
5. Every day is different.
6. I can ask all the questions I want without being considered "nosy."
7. Plus, people don't notice that I rarely talk about myself. Ha! Aren't I sly?
8. I help people tell their stories.
9. I can spend all day at a museum and call it "research."
10. I've written about so many subjects, I can make small talk on almost any topic.
11. This makes me seem A LOT smarter I am. ; )
12. I can do my work at midnight if I'm so inclined -- and I frequently am.
13. Sometimes I get free stuff!

So tired, tired of waiting...

2009-07-07T15:52:00.000-05:00

You squirm uncomfortably in your chair. Is it getting hot in here? The Muzak is about to drive you over the edge. Oh no, not "Seasons in the Sun" again! The people around you are coughing, sneezing, hacking. Too many bodily fluids, too little space! Your only distraction is a stack of crumbling, yellowed magazines covered with sinister-looking stains. You cry out in agony: "Oh, what have I done to deserve this?" No, it's not Purgatory, silly. It's just the doctor's office waiting room. Instead of waiting in misery for your impending doom, make the most of this time. You can actually get a lot accomplished without bosses, spouses or kids interrupting you every five minutes. There's no end to what you could do! Stuck in Waiting Room Hell with no chance of escape? Try these suggestions to keep your mind occupied. (And off all those germs swarming around you just looking for a way to invade your body.)

1. Meditate.
2. Write your memoirs
3. Read "War and Peace."
4. Learn Latin.
5. Ponder the meaning of life.
6. Balance your checkbook.
7. Knit a sweater.
8. Read the waiting room magazines to see what life was like in the 19th century.
9. Count the stains on the floor.
10. Try to guess what illnesses the other patients have.

Five Things I Learned This Week

2009-07-05T19:00:00.002-05:00

I usually do my "Things I've Learned" entries at the end of the week. But this time, it seemed more appropriate to start the week off with a few things I've learned recently. After all, it was an eventful week.

1. When putting in new contacts, take out the old pair first.

2. Never ask a question on Facebook or Twitter unless you REALLY want it answered.

3. Sometimes, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. But it almost always helps the mind grow clearer.

4. That "Aha!" moment is often quieter than you'd expect. And it's not always pleasant.

5. Be yourself. There's a reason that's a cliche. :-)

Adventures in Dog Training

2009-07-04T22:48:00.003-05:00

My dog was not man's (woman's) best friend. He demanded unlimited dog biscuits in exchange for letting me share the bed at night. His unruly behavior made me the laughingstock of the local doggie park. Friends refused to visit my home because he was so unpredictable.

Part of the problem was my own unwillingness to lay down the law. Yes, his antics were getting out of hand, but I just couldn't bring myself to dampen that enthusiasm with which he greeted every aspect of life. After all, he was a dog, and who was I to say that he should conform to humankind's standards? Part of what I liked about him was his independent spirit. Plus, I was smitten.

But I had to do something, or risk being banned for life from every doggie park in a 20-square mile radius. We had attempted training before, but our sessions usually ended with me flat on the floor, crying "I give up! You win!" But this time would be different. Those other humans at the doggie park wouldn't have me to laugh at anymore! And after doing some research, I realized my mistake had been going in without a plan. In fact, things went a lot more smoothly once I followed these basic rules:

Step one: Choose a command that's easy to learn.
So this is where I had gone wrong. Believing Fido was too intellectually superior for something as elementary as "sit" or "stay," I had immediately tried to master the more complicated tricks. But Fido had a difficult time trying to jump through those hoops, and when I told him to fetch my slippers he just sat back on his rump and howled with laughter. So this time, I decided to start with something simple: sit. It's something my dog does all the time anyway. We could work on jumping through those hoops later. Maybe in a week.

Step two: Be kind but firm.
Patience is key. For the untrained pooch, being expected to obey a command from some human is insulting. When I first broached the subject to Fido, he balked. But after I sat him down for a little talk about his responsibilities in our canine / human relationship, he expressed his total agreement. As soon as he stopped laughing.

Step three: Reward your dog when it successfully performs the command.
This one's tricky. I'm happy to reward my dog when he does something well, but how on earth do I get him to do that? I've never been assertive, something my dog has picked up on. He doesn't buy my feeble efforts at being authoritative. Sometimes he ignores me; other times he barks and dances wildly around my feet. That makes it a little difficult to employ that whole "positive reinforcement" idea. Take this example from our recent training session:
"Sit," I said in my kindest but firmest voice.
Fido stared at me, his expression blank except for the slightest glimmer of a smile. He seemed to be amused. At least one of us was having fun.

Step four: Above all, don't give up.
Fido and I made a lot of blunders at first. Okay, so I was the one who made all of the blunders. But the important thing is, we stuck with it. And the training process did work. We are no longer caught up in a fierce power struggle, each of us desperately trying to gain the upper hand. No, we've finally come to an understanding: I let him do whatever he wants, and he lets me worship the ground he walks on.

Related Posts:
A Dog's Version of Utopia

Those who can't do...

2009-06-15T17:16:00.000-05:00

...write.

Why did I become a journalist? Because I enjoy writing? Partly. Mainly, though, because I couldn't decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. So many interesting careers -- too many for one lifetime. With journalism, I live vicariously through the people who have devoted their lives to those professions I was so enthralled by as a child. One day I'm interviewing the lead singer of a country-rock band, the next day a painter, the day after that maybe a web designer. Sometimes, I even get to interview a CEO. And I learn something from everyone I interview; probably more than if I'd focused on only one thing my entire life, in fact.

I've considered dozens of careers, but these have fascinated and influenced me the most:

1. Astronaut
I really liked this one. It sounded exciting, but, alas, I’m afraid of heights, and I’m rather fond of this gravity thing. So, back to the drawing board.

2. Astronomer
If I couldn’t fly to the stars, I figured I could at least I could look at them.

3. Actor
I was pretty determined about this one. I even started college as a theatre major, until I discovered that all of the other actors had egos the size of Jupiter and brains the size of a subatomic particle. And the directors were all crazy control freaks. Or maybe I just caught them all on a bad day.

4. FBI Agent
If only I could be like Mulder and Scully!

5. Archaeologist
What could be more fun than digging in the dirt all day?

6. Photographer
I've actually dabbled in this one off and on since childhood, and when I was a full-time newspaper reporter, I also doubled as a photographer. Granted, most of the photos were of the "mugshot," "line up" or "grip-and-grin" variety, but it was a lot of fun.

7. Bellydancer
I haven't given up on this one. ; )

8. Blues singer.
Now this one, I could see myself dedicating my life to. However, I cannot sing. In fact, I would be more likely to get people to pay me NOT to sing. Hmmm...now there’s an idea.

Top 10 Rejected Titles for This Blog

2009-06-06T06:15:00.000-05:00

Cut me some slack! I was sleep-deprived and high on chocolate when I wrote these. Mmm...chocolate...

1. America’s Most Unwanted
2. Cherchez Le Femme
3. Delusions of Grandeur
4. Hot Air
5. Dead Air
6. Stuff and Nonsense
7. Shallow Thoughts
8. Speaking in Tongues
9. Without a Clue
10. Off the Deep End

My possessions are causing me suspicion...

2009-06-03T12:25:00.001-05:00

If you are reading this, it is because I have been the victim of an unfortunate “accident.” My conspirators were clever, disguising themselves as some of my dearest friends. But slowly, they begin to plot against me, until eventually I had no one left to turn to. Why not go to the authorities? Because no one would have believed me. And they counted on that.

The computer was the first to turn on me. Files disappeared. My settings changed and changed back again. I got disconnected from the Internet every five minutes. Had I been hijacked? I couldn’t stand the thought of my poor, reliable old computer being violated like that. I downloaded every spyware killer program I could find. I deleted unnecessary files. I did everything I could to help my computer perform better. But it was no use. Eventually I had to face the truth: My computer was out to get me.

The television was next. There was this eerie green spot. It grew smaller and larger, and almost looked as if it were breathing. Sometimes it was just a speck. Other times it covered nearly half the screen. It never appeared when other people were present. Only when I was alone.

But the kitchen appliances were the cruelest. The refrigerator appeared to be the ringleader. It started with the occasional shock whenever I would touch the handle. Soon, I couldn’t open the door at all. Oh my sweet Haagen-Dazs, trapped in there all alone and uneaten! Then the other appliances joined in. The garbage disposal would make terrible noises and refuse to dispose. And then it would act as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it wouldn’t work for days. Sometimes it would make terrible, ear-splitting noises. I never knew what to expect.

Please, please, please, if you read this, take a long hard look around you. They say technology is our best friend. But is it? Please, don’t let them get away with it! Don’t let them take over! They’re ruthless! Ruthless, I tell you! They’ll stop at nothing! And you could be next...

How to Spot a Writer

2009-05-31T15:36:00.001-05:00

Funny creatures, writers. You never quite know where they are. Your friend may be sitting with you in your favorite coffee shop, sipping an overpriced espresso and commiserating with you about your inept coworkers. Or she may be skulking around some stately old mansion, looking for clues as to who murdered Lady Wentworth -- you know, for that mystery novel she's been writing in her head for the past five years. Poor thing, she's probably trying to be in both places at once. Maybe you could cut her some slack? If you do encounter a writer, it's best to know early on what you're dealing with. They -- OK, we -- can be scatterbrained. Fortunately, there are a few foolproof ways to identify a writer:

1. When you say something funny or interesting, they ask "Can I use that?"

2. They frequently have a distant look in their eyes, as though they're seeing something no one else does. (Best to treat this as a form of sleepwalking -- try not to startle them.)

3. This look is usually followed by several minutes of intense scribbling in a tiny notebook they always, always, always carry.

4. They rarely complain about their personal problems -- that's because they've already turned them into essays, novels, poems, blog posts, all of the above...

5. In fact, they rarely talk about themselves at all, but boy, they sure do ask you lots of questions!

Things I Learned From My Cat

2009-05-28T10:01:00.004-05:00

1. “Me” time is very important.

2. Always act like it was your idea.

3. A little attitude (cattitude?) will take you a long way.

4. Never let them see you sweat.

5. A nonchalant stretch or casual yawn is a great cover.

6. There’s no problem that a nice long nap can’t fix.

7. Act like you own the world, and everyone else will believe you do.

8. Appearance is everything.

9. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

10. Sometimes you just have to do what the voices in your head tell you to.

"When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?" - Montaigne

Related Posts:
Felines At Large

The Universe According to, uh, well...me...

2009-05-26T10:25:00.002-05:00

Enter at your own risk. The rules of logic do not apply here.

Yes, I know all about gravity and electromagnetism, and all of those really neat forces that are supposed to govern the universe, but apparently my universe is governed by an entirely different set of rules. Here, up is down and right is left, and I never know what to expect. However, after years of observation and experimentation, I have managed to uncover many of the fundamental laws governing my existence. I present them to you now, so that you can fully appreciate the chaos that is my life. Welcome to my world:

1. There will be a traffic jam when you’re already running late.

2. Your alarm clock will fail you when you have a Very Important, early morning meeting.

3. Whichever line you choose at the grocery store will be the slowest.

4. Your pen will run out of ink, the batteries in your tape recorder will go dead, your dogs will all start barking and your cat will pounce on your head during your telephone interview with that source that was so hard to get in touch with, for that story that’s due by the end of the day.

5. Every electronic or mechanical item you buy will break down the day after the warranty expires.

6. You will get the hiccups right before your job interview.

7. Any financial windfall will be immediately followed by a monetary loss of an equal or greater amount.

8. The electricity will go out during “The Simpsons.”

9. You will have a bad hair day and a zit of gargantuan proportions whenever someone takes your picture.

10. You will drop the last piece of chocolate on the floor.

TODAY'S QUOTE:

"The universe seems to me infinitely strange and foreign. At such a moment I gaze upon it with a mixture of anguish and euphoria; separate from the universe, as though placed at a certain distance outside it; I look and I see pictures, creatures that move in a kind of timeless time and spaceless space, emitting sounds that are a kind of language I no longer understand or ever register."
Eugene Ionesco, playwright (1909 - 1994)

Confessions of an Internet Junkie

2009-05-15T11:25:00.002-05:00

It all began so innocently.

“Have you heard of this thing called the Internet?” a friend asked me several years ago. I hadn’t, but boy was I impressed! You could find anything you wanted on the ‘Net, and as a college student I found it to be a much more efficient research method than spending hours on end in the dusty old school library. And for a while I kept things strictly academic. But soon the allure of extracurricular surfing proved too overwhelming. Chat rooms, message boards, blogs...what mere mortal could resist such temptation?

Steadily, my obsession grew. Oh, how insidious it was! Each day, it took more and more control over me, until I was entirely at its mercy. I live my entire life online now: shop, pay bills, work, meet people. Why, I’ll never have to leave this chair again! But wait...maybe that’s just what it wants, to turn me into another one of its mindless slaves. No, never! You’ll never have me! I should try to fight it! I should...oh listen to me. Now I’m just being silly.

I don’t have a problem. Plenty of people spend more time online than I do. I can quit anytime I want. Right after I check my e-mail. And maybe chat a little. And update my status on Facebook and Twitter, of course. And then read a few blogs...maybe pay some bills...check the latest headlines...I give up! It’s too much! I surrender! Oh glorious and mighty Internet, I am but your humble servant!

Felines At Large

2009-05-13T16:10:00.002-05:00

We are not pleased.

Our human, who normally caters to our every whim, had the audacity to devote an entire post to, of all things, DOGS!! Oh, the humanity! We, her devoted feline companions, take this to be an outrageous insult. An entire post devoted to a dog’s version of Utopia? Well, I never! She said, "in the interest of fairness," she would ask for our version of Utopia, and would dedicate her next post to our response. Well, that just ain’t gonna cut it, Sister. That’s why we are hijacking her blog, effective immediately. And if she wants to regain control of it, she will have to meet the following demands:

1. We want our own wing of the house.

2. Absolutely, positively, no more nail trimming.

3. Freedom to claw on whatever we want.

4. Evian or Perrier only, please.

5. And we want it refrigerated.

6. More sunny spots to sleep in.

7. You will play with us a minimum of five hours a day.

8. There will always be an available lap to curl up in.

9. An endless supply of catnip.

10. Read our lips: No More Dogs!

Related Posts:
Things I Learned From My Cat

A Dog's Version of Utopia

2009-05-09T13:10:00.002-05:00

The other night, I was watching my dogs, curled up and sleeping peacefully, and I wondered -- what do dogs dream about? Giant chew toys? A never-ending supply of dog biscuits? That cute little Pomeranian down the street? So I went to one of my pups (whose street name is “Sir Humps-A-Lot”) and asked him what dogs dream about. What is it they secretly long for? If they could create their ideal world, what would it be like? This is his response, in his own words:

1. An unlimited supply of dental chews.

2. A ride in the car every day.

3. The humans would fetch for me, for a change.

4. Tennis balls! More tennis balls!

5. Lots of stinky smelly things to roll around in.

6. Plenty of sirens to howl at.

7. I would get brushed every day, but...

8. I would never have my toenails clipped.

9. Mud, mud and more mud.

10. Read my lips: No More Baths!!

(Note: In the interest of fairness, I posed this same question to my felines. Their response will be published next.)

Don't Try This at Home

2009-04-27T23:37:00.001-05:00

You know, people give me a lot of great advice, and I would be selfish if I didn’t share it with the rest of the world. And what better way to do that than the Internet? So please, learn from the mistakes of others. Don’t ever do these things:

1. Attempt to make your own hand soap.

2. Lay ceramic floor tile in your underwear.

3. Date someone you met on the Internet.

4. Hang Christmas lights while standing on wet grass. (Call 911!)

5. Take six dogs to the vet at once.

6. Have ahem, relations, with someone you met in the park. (Seems obvious, doesn’t it? One would think...)

7. Touch an electric fence to see if it’s working.

I'd like to reiterate that these are experiences shared with me by others. I've only done one of them myself. And no, I'm not going to reveal which one.

How To Spot An Alien

2009-04-20T15:13:00.000-05:00

Thought they could fool the entire neighborhood, did they? Well, they didn’t count on my devastatingly perceptive Reporter’s Eye. I’m onto them, I tell you! I know there’s something not quite right about those people next door. The otherworldly noises coming from their house at all hours, the eerie glowing lights shining through their windows, that faint green tinge to their skin...it can only mean one thing. They’re aliens.

Wait! Don’t leave yet! Hear me out, I know what I’m talking about, and just think, if extraterrestrials have invaded my neighborhood, they’ve probably invaded yours too. You need to know how to spot them, and that’s where I can help. As a reporter, I’ve been trained to be observant, to pick up on little clues that other people overlook. And after years of studying my own neighbors, I’ve developed a list of signs that your neighbors might be aliens. See if any of them sound familiar.

Top 10 Signs Your Neighbors Are Aliens:

1. Those funny silver spacesuits they sometimes wear.
2. Their heads are cone-shaped.
3. The husband claims he’s restoring a classic car, but what’s under that tarp looks suspiciously saucer-shaped.
4. They have pointy ears like Spock.
5. Men in black suits show up at your door asking a lot of strange questions.
6. They play William Shatner’s latest album at full-blast, over and over, all day long.
7. They spent their last family vacation at Area 51.
8. Their daughter is president of the Leonard Nimoy fan club.
9. The kids dress up as E.T. for Halloween. Every year.
10. You overhear them talking about the mothership and when it’s going to return.

Desperately Seeking: My Sense of Humor

2009-04-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

I’ve looked under the rug. I’ve checked under the couch cushions. I’ve even emptied out all of the cabinets, but I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe it ran away. But why? Was I that terrible to live with? I tried looking on the Internet. It wasn’t there. It’s not listed in the phone book. Maybe I should put up flyers: “Missing, Sense of Humor. Large Reward. Last seen...” Wait, I don’t remember the last time I saw it. Maybe I should check the lost and found. Or the morgue. Or the hospitals. Maybe it has amnesia and doesn’t remember where it belongs.

Sense of humor, if you’re out there: Please come home. I promise not to take you for granted anymore.

Top 10 Uses for a College Degree

2009-04-14T08:26:00.001-05:00

It was an arduous journey, filled with unmentionable peril and strife. It was not for the faint of heart. At times I thought I might fail. Just as my elusive goal would come into view, some obstacle would throw itself into my path and thwart my efforts. But I persevered, for I knew at the end of my journey I would finally hold in my hands the object for which I had so long labored: a college degree. And though it cost me several years and several thousand dollars (not to mention my youth and my sanity) I’m glad I stayed the course. After all, there are several uses for a college degree (although getting a job doesn’t seem to be one of them.) So if, like me, you find that that little piece of paper isn’t fulfilling its appointed function, consider one of these alternative uses:

1. Paper airplanes (this is also a good use for those pointless “help wanted” ads in the newspaper.)

2. To line birdcages

3. In case you run out of toilet paper

4. Bookmark

5. Placemat

6. Coaster

7. Scrap paper, for writing:
--Outline for the Great American Novel
--To-do lists
--Ransom notes (hey, you gotta make a living some way!)

8. To wipe up those messy household spills.

9. Kindling (for when your utilities get cut off because you can’t pay the bill.)

10. Origami (very therapeutic--great for passing the time when you get institutionalized for going bananas after going on 20 job interviews in three days.)

Words I Wish I Could Use More Often

2009-04-11T07:18:00.000-05:00

Words, words, sweet beautiful words! What would I do without you?

I love words. All words, really, but a few in particular. Unfortunately, these are words you don't have much call for in newswriting. I've yet to figure out how to work "nifty" into an article about lupus, for example. So, I'm including all of those underused, underrated, underappreciated words here, where they can finally have their much-deserved 15 minutes of fame. Maybe someday, someone out there will come to love them as much as I do.

1. persnickety

2. curmudgeon

3. percolate

4. dirigible

5. dulcimer

6. nifty

7. nefarious

8. sepulchre

9. squark

10. neutrino

Today's Quotes:

"I would hurl words into the darkness and wait for an echo. If an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight."
Richard Wright, author

How to Cure Writer's Block

2009-04-09T11:33:00.001-05:00

1. First of all, don’t panic. Writer’s block happens to everyone--it’s just part of the creative process. Take a deep breath, have a little chocolate and try to relax. It’ll all come together eventually.

2. Make sure your working environment is conducive to creativity. If your workspace is cluttered, or if it’s dreary and depressing, of course you’re going to feel uninspired. Take some time to rearrange your surroundings. Clear out the clutter. Maybe slap on a new coat of paint. Your work will still be there when you’re done.

3. Maybe it’s the computer. Check it for any signs of malfunction. If your computer isn’t working properly, it could be emitting harmful energy, or radiation or even death rays. Give it a good, thorough check-up before proceeding any further.

4. Get away from it for a while. When you’re in a slump, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. You’ll return refreshed and filled with new ideas. Occupy your mind with something else. Something enlightening, like “The X-Files” or “The Simpsons.”

5. You know what? I really think it’s the computer. Maybe it’s possessed. Throw it out the window. Immediately. It’s too nice a day to work anyway. Better to go for a walk--nature can be very inspiring. Or better yet, visit a museum or take in a concert. Or...what’s this? An “X-Files” marathon? Who needs to work when you can watch Mulder all day? I believe you, Mulder! The truth is out there!

You Know You're a Dog Mom When...

2009-04-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

1. People ask you where you got that unusual coat, but you’re not wearing a coat. It’s only that thick film of dog hair that covers every single thing you own.

2. You spend hours preparing your dog an elaborate meal, and only fix your boyfriend a sandwich.

3. You start calling your hand your “paw.”

4. You think dog biscuits look appetizing.

5. You quit your job to be a work-at-home doggie mom.

6. You have the overwhelming urge to tell people to “sit” and “stay.”

7. Your idea of a good time is playing fetch.

8. You start jumping in every mud puddle you see.

9. You let your dog decide who you date.

10. You let your dog decide pretty much everything else, too.

The Secret Lives of Vegetarians

2009-04-03T13:07:00.002-05:00

As a child, I did something so radical, so disturbing, that my family feared I was careening toward self-destruction. I became a vegetarian.

In their defense, this was over 20 years ago, when vegetarianism was far less common. Particularly among 7-year-olds like me. And particularly in the Midwest, where a meat-and-potatoes diet is practically a requirement.

The shock swept through my family swiftly and without mercy. Some merely shook their heads, thinking it a phase I’d soon abandon. Others grew enraged, berating my mother for allowing her daughter to indulge in such a dangerous lifestyle. And a few grasped this opportunity to challenge a 7-year-old to a philosophical debate. One relative pointed out that plants were also living things, and how did I know they didn’t have consciousness like those animals I now refused to eat? I’ll admit, I didn’t have a good answer for that. I was only 7.

The consensus among my relatives was that I was misguided and sure to perish without the nutrients derived from a hearty helping of animal protein.

“But...but she’ll die,” they gasped.

Despite my attempts to explain that meat wasn’t the only source of protein in this world, and that vegetables were, in fact, quite healthy, my relatives clung to the belief that I was in mortal danger. And they weren’t the only critics. Strangers often fired off a barrage of questions about this “vegetarianism business.”

“So you don’t eat any meat?”

“No.”

“What about fish?”

“No.”

“What about chicken?”

“No.”

“What about on Thanksgiving--do you eat turkey?”

“No.”

Here, they expressed shock, horror, outrage. No turkey on Thanksgiving? Sacrilege!

“What do you eat, then?”

“Everything but meat.”

They always seemed disappointed by such a simple explanation.

Other people were more suspicious:

“Is it, like, one of those secret societies?”

“No.”

“Do you have meetings?”

“No.”

“Are you allowed to associate with people who eat meat?”

“Only if they promise not to give away our secret handshake.”

Sometimes, people thought they could convert me. They described, in detail, their favorite meat dishes, hoping the temptation would be too great. If they were desperate, they tried to sneak meat into my food.

Despite feeling like an oddity at times, there are some advantages to being seen as unusual. I’ve always been painfully normal, but thanks to my peculiar eating habits some people see me as unique. To my family, I am an independent spirit who follows her heart with no concern for public opinion. To strangers, I am an enigma, with exotic ways that are mysterious and fascinating. And who am I to argue with that?

Don't Call Me Baby

2009-04-01T14:07:00.002-05:00

I'm not covered in frosting and sprinkles, so don't call me cupcake. You can't sweeten your tea with me, so don't call me sugar. And last time I checked, I don't have whiskers and a tail, so please don't call me kitten.

I don't like pet names. I don't like being compared to anything edible, or to any kind of animal, or to anything that reeks of cute. My parents gave me a perfectly acceptable first name -- in fact, I rather like it. There are many names that make me cringe, but since I'm a George Carlin fan, I thought I'd use his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" as a model.

So, here are the seven words you should NEVER call me:

1. Babe, baby
2. Sweetie or sweetheart
3. Darlin'
4. Hon or honey
5. Sugar
6. Dear
7. Girl, girlie, girlfriend

The Chocoholic Blues

2009-03-29T07:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I fear this obsession will consume me. It haunts my dreams, intrudes upon my thoughts and rules every moment of my life. I am but a shell of the person I used to be. Humiliated and disgraced, I can no longer bear the burden of this terrible secret alone. I must confess: I am a chocoholic.

How did I get here, I often ask myself. A Reese’s cup here and there, the occasional Nestle Crunch bar...it all seemed so harmless in the beginning. But soon I found myself firmly in this addiction’s grip, my will no longer my own. At one of my lowest moments, I drove to the grocery store in the middle of a snowstorm, handed over my rent money and cleaned out their candy aisle.

But it got worse than that. Once, after a night of shameless chocolate debauchery, I found myself dazed and standing in my pajamas in the chocolate aisle of the supermarket. I was pushing a shopping cart piled so high with bags of chocolate that its weight was almost too great for me. I couldn’t remember how I got there. By some miracle I awoke from that terrible fog before I had made my way to the checkout. I abandoned the cart, ran for the exit and swore I would never sink so low again.

Oh, if only it were that simple! I have tried to stay strong, but every day I am tested. However, I resolve to stay on track. I will never again be tempted by a seductive bag of M&Ms or a tantalizing package of Hershey’s kisses. But wait a minute--what am I saying? Chocolate has been my truest friend, and now I’m just going to turn my back on it? What a cold, heartless fiend I am! Don’t worry, Chocolate, I won’t forsake you! Dear, sweet, Chocolate, can you ever forgive me?!?!

Ten Things I Learned This Week

2009-03-27T13:02:00.002-05:00

Freelance writing is educational: One day I may learn all about endowment funds, the next I may learn how to pick a memorable name for your business. At the end of each week, I like to review what I learned and pick the most useful, interesting or just plain wacky.

Ten Things I Learned This Week:

1. French is the official language in 29 countries.
2. If you need a question answered, ask your Twitter friends.
3. Madrid has more cloudless days than any other European capitol.
4. There's a reason they say "let sleeping dogs lie."
5. Heartworm is on the rise in some U.S. cities.
6. Spring isn't spring anymore. Sometimes it's summer, and sometimes it's winter.
7. By age 80, 50 percent of Americans will suffer some impairment from Alzheimer's or other dementia.
8. You can get "certified" in pretty much anything.
9. On Facebook, you can send someone a Hamster Love Smile or a Shiny Butt Smile.
10. Always end the day by clearing off your desk.

Signs You May be a Cable News Addict

2009-03-25T18:56:00.002-05:00

Bloodshot eyes. Trembling hands. Paranoia and unexplained panic attacks. Sound familiar? If so, you or someone you know may suffer from an emerging but widespread malady -- cable news addiction.

Until recently, these "news junkies" have lived mainly in the shadows, furtively logging on to msnbc.com on their lunch break, or staring glassy-eyed at CNN in darkened rooms with the curtains drawn. However, the increasing number of afflicted can no longer be ignored. These tormented souls have become more vocal about their dependency, partly in a plea for help and partly as a way to educate others about this debilitating illness. Though research on the subject is scant, the honesty of several of these addicts has produced a considerable volume of information. Based on what these brave victims have admitted, researchers have compiled a list of warning signs that you may be addicted to cable TV news:

1. You find yourself getting too up close and personal with the anchors and reporters.
Taking an interest in television news personalities can be an important part of being a discriminating viewer. How do you know who to trust if you don't evaluate their news judgment with a critical eye? But if your interest transcends their reporting style or their objectivity, you may have crossed the line into fixation. If you know an anchor's zodiac sign, favorite color and their brand of toothpaste, you are no longer just an educated viewer. You are a stalker. Rule of thumb: if you notice when Larry King wears a new pair of suspenders, you may be losing touch with reality.

2. You only feel truly alive when you're watching cable news.
Does the "breaking news" graphic makes your heart flutter in a way it hasn't since your first crush? The thrill of 24-hour news coverage can be so intoxicating that you forget there's a world beyond your television screen. Every time you tune in, there are new developments: an unexpected witness comes forward, a memo is leaked, an incriminating video tape surfaces. How can the predictability of everyday life compete? However, many news junkies take this to the extreme, shirking their responsibilities and neglecting friends and loved ones. After all, grocery shopping just can't hold a candle to the Abrams Report. But if you find yourself skipping your daughter's piano recital because it interferes with your favorite news show, try to come back to earth. Repeat after me: The world does not revolve around Anderson Cooper.

3. Your fixation with the news permeates every area of your life.
Cable television news can inform and enlighten, giving you an in-depth look at events in a way a 30-minute newscast simply cannot. However, you should be able to turn off the television, go out into the world and live your life. If you find that your fascination with cable TV news colors how you look at the entire world, your judgment may be impaired. When in social situations, if you can't make small talk without thinking "What would Keith Olbermann say?" you are dangerously close to losing your sense of self. And if you can't date because no one can measure up to Bill Hemmer or Soledad O'Brien, you may be setting yourself up for a very lonely life indeed.

If these warning signs fit you, don't despair. Cable news addiction is not incurable. A former addict myself, I am now recovered and live a healthy, happy life. I can even watch the cable news networks with no fear of spiraling helplessly into the depths of addiction. This just in? I don't even turn up the volume. In fact, I can even change the channel. Wait --what happened? You're preempting regular programming for special all-day coverage? There's a news conference in half an hour. Take the phone off the hook, shut the blinds and tell my boss I won't be in today! I've never felt so alive!