The Chocoholic Blues

Sometimes I fear this obsession will consume me. It haunts my dreams, intrudes upon my thoughts and rules every moment of my life. I am but a shell of the person I used to be. Humiliated and disgraced, I can no longer bear the burden of this terrible secret alone. I must confess: I am a chocoholic.

How did I get here, I often ask myself. A Reese’s cup here and there, the occasional Nestle Crunch bar...it all seemed so harmless in the beginning. But soon I found myself firmly in this addiction’s grip, my will no longer my own. At one of my lowest moments, I drove to the grocery store in the middle of a snowstorm, handed over my rent money and cleaned out their candy aisle.

But it got worse than that. Once, after a night of shameless chocolate debauchery, I found myself dazed and standing in my pajamas in the chocolate aisle of the supermarket. I was pushing a shopping cart piled so high with bags of chocolate that its weight was almost too great for me. I couldn’t remember how I got there. By some miracle I awoke from that terrible fog before I had made my way to the checkout. I abandoned the cart, ran for the exit and swore I would never sink so low again.

Oh, if only it were that simple! I have tried to stay strong, but every day I am tested. However, I resolve to stay on track. I will never again be tempted by a seductive bag of M&Ms or a tantalizing package of Hershey’s kisses. But wait a minute--what am I saying? Chocolate has been my truest friend, and now I’m just going to turn my back on it? What a cold, heartless fiend I am! Don’t worry, Chocolate, I won’t forsake you! Dear, sweet, Chocolate, can you ever forgive me?!?!

Ten Things I Learned This Week

Freelance writing is educational: One day I may learn all about endowment funds, the next I may learn how to pick a memorable name for your business. At the end of each week, I like to review what I learned and pick the most useful, interesting or just plain wacky.

Ten Things I Learned This Week:

1. French is the official language in 29 countries.
2. If you need a question answered, ask your Twitter friends.
3. Madrid has more cloudless days than any other European capitol.
4. There's a reason they say "let sleeping dogs lie."
5. Heartworm is on the rise in some U.S. cities.
6. Spring isn't spring anymore. Sometimes it's summer, and sometimes it's winter.
7. By age 80, 50 percent of Americans will suffer some impairment from Alzheimer's or other dementia.
8. You can get "certified" in pretty much anything.
9. On Facebook, you can send someone a Hamster Love Smile or a Shiny Butt Smile.
10. Always end the day by clearing off your desk.

Signs You May be a Cable News Addict

Bloodshot eyes. Trembling hands. Paranoia and unexplained panic attacks. Sound familiar? If so, you or someone you know may suffer from an emerging but widespread malady -- cable news addiction.

Until recently, these "news junkies" have lived mainly in the shadows, furtively logging on to msnbc.com on their lunch break, or staring glassy-eyed at CNN in darkened rooms with the curtains drawn. However, the increasing number of afflicted can no longer be ignored. These tormented souls have become more vocal about their dependency, partly in a plea for help and partly as a way to educate others about this debilitating illness. Though research on the subject is scant, the honesty of several of these addicts has produced a considerable volume of information. Based on what these brave victims have admitted, researchers have compiled a list of warning signs that you may be addicted to cable TV news:

1. You find yourself getting too up close and personal with the anchors and reporters.
Taking an interest in television news personalities can be an important part of being a discriminating viewer. How do you know who to trust if you don't evaluate their news judgment with a critical eye? But if your interest transcends their reporting style or their objectivity, you may have crossed the line into fixation. If you know an anchor's zodiac sign, favorite color and their brand of toothpaste, you are no longer just an educated viewer. You are a stalker. Rule of thumb: if you notice when Larry King wears a new pair of suspenders, you may be losing touch with reality.

2. You only feel truly alive when you're watching cable news.
Does the "breaking news" graphic makes your heart flutter in a way it hasn't since your first crush? The thrill of 24-hour news coverage can be so intoxicating that you forget there's a world beyond your television screen. Every time you tune in, there are new developments: an unexpected witness comes forward, a memo is leaked, an incriminating video tape surfaces. How can the predictability of everyday life compete? However, many news junkies take this to the extreme, shirking their responsibilities and neglecting friends and loved ones. After all, grocery shopping just can't hold a candle to the Abrams Report. But if you find yourself skipping your daughter's piano recital because it interferes with your favorite news show, try to come back to earth. Repeat after me: The world does not revolve around Anderson Cooper.

3. Your fixation with the news permeates every area of your life.
Cable television news can inform and enlighten, giving you an in-depth look at events in a way a 30-minute newscast simply cannot. However, you should be able to turn off the television, go out into the world and live your life. If you find that your fascination with cable TV news colors how you look at the entire world, your judgment may be impaired. When in social situations, if you can't make small talk without thinking "What would Keith Olbermann say?" you are dangerously close to losing your sense of self. And if you can't date because no one can measure up to Bill Hemmer or Soledad O'Brien, you may be setting yourself up for a very lonely life indeed.

If these warning signs fit you, don't despair. Cable news addiction is not incurable. A former addict myself, I am now recovered and live a healthy, happy life. I can even watch the cable news networks with no fear of spiraling helplessly into the depths of addiction. This just in? I don't even turn up the volume. In fact, I can even change the channel. Wait --what happened? You're preempting regular programming for special all-day coverage? There's a news conference in half an hour. Take the phone off the hook, shut the blinds and tell my boss I won't be in today! I've never felt so alive!