My dear, whatever is wrong? Oh, I see, you nodded off at the breakfast table again and landed right in your bowl of Frosted Flakes. Oh, you poor thing. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you are not alone. Sleep deprivation is an epidemic. Why, it's all the rage this year! However, it is also dangerous -- it can cause injury, memory loss and confusion. With early detection, though, the damage can usually be reversed. If you suffer from any of these symptoms, seek help immediately:
1. Hallucinations. Inanimate objects seem to come to life. Maybe your pencil starts speaking German, or your dog prances through the room wearing a pink tutu. Or maybe, like an acquaintance of mine, your electrical outlets start talking to you. I told her to ignore the voices and get some sleep, but she was too busy arguing with her toaster to listen.
2. Paranoia. Even the most ordinary situations seem sinister. The postal carrier, for example, is part of a diabolical government conspiracy. Every day he brings me mail addressed to "Resident." Who is this person called Resident, and why do funeral homes keep sending him half-price specials? The post office tried to tell me I was Resident, but I told them I wanted no part of their evil plan for mind control.
3. Memory loss. You forget small things -- you know, like where you left your keys or what planet you're from. I routinely forget where I've left my glasses, only to realize they're on the end of my nose. Fortunately, there is a surefire cure for memory loss. Unfortunately, I can't remember it. Maybe my toaster knows.
4. Confusion. This is why you put your keys in the freezer and ice trays in your purse. Getting through the day is like navigating a maze. I'm always so tired I have a habit of falling asleep in strange places throughout the house. When I wake up, I have no clue where I am or why my house shoes growl when I try to move my feet. Oh, never mind...that's just my dog. No, Fluffy, I am NOT buying you a tiara. You'll just have be content with your pink tutu!