(Note: My family's mantra was "Let your freak flag fly," and that sentiment has influenced nearly every decision I've made. My life story should make more sense when taken in that context.)

The daughter of a flaming liberal, hippie mother and a redneck, Marine father, Lea Terry was conceived after a night of drunken debauchery. 

Lea's parents were introduced by a mutual friend.
Photo Credit: Sandrinne Dias via Compfight cc

Actually, her parents met when her mother was 12 and her father was 16 and she and the rest of her girl gang rescued him from being beat up by a group of neighborhood thugs that included her brother and her ex-boyfriend. (To better understand Lea's heritage, just read "The Outsiders.")

Her parents eventually moved in together, but after years of ironing and starching Marine uniforms, her mother went insane and had to be institutionalized. Since 1994, the only words her mother has spoken are "Semper Fi...Semper Fi...Semper Fi..."

After her sordid beginnings, Lea strove in vain to make sense of her tumultuous life. She had one distinct advantage, though: after spending nearly every Saturday hanging out with her mother's pot smoking, guitar-playing friends, she was effectively "scared straight." She lived in fear that the school's drug dog would rat her out if she didn't wash her coat 10 times before going back to school on Monday. This was no longer an issue after one of the group got busted when he brought home an undercover cop and sold him drugs. There were no more Saturday night jam sessions after that, but Lea still can't hear "Stairway to Heaven" without having a flashback. In junior high, she toyed briefly with the idea of a music career, but dropped out of band when the director had a temper tantrum and Lea decided musicians were too temperamental for her liking.

Preparing to be the next Stevie Nicks.

A dedicated slacker, Lea graduated high school next to the last in her class. 

Yay! No more detention!

She attended college but dropped out for two years to start her own business: weaving hats out of her pets' fur. The fur was discovered to be toxic, and she was forced out of business. She returned to college to pursue a journalism degree, graduating after seven years and various *ahem* extracurricular activities. 

Her true artistic love, since age four, was acting. After years of playing talking suns, trees and various other inanimate objects, she finally got her big break, landing the lead in "Our Town." Her theatrical career came to an abrupt end when a romantic and professional rival put a hit out on her and Lea fled the industry for a more low-key life.

Like many children from broken homes, Lea attempted to create a sense of security by starting a family of her own. Her one attempt at domesticity failed when her flour baby Ezekiel got weevils and she realized she was not mommy material.

It's a boy!

She decided to re-devote herself to her career, but after unsuccessfully searching for a job for five years, she became a Buddhist nun. She left the monastery after three years to pursue a career in aromatherapy. Today she lives on a commune in Montana with several other failed journalists. She plans to use the proceeds from her writing to purchase indoor plumbing for the commune.

My name is Lea and I hug trees.

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