I'm Gonna Live Forever...

Source: Wikimedia Commons

I've never been interested in living longer. Better, yes. Healthier, of course. But not longer. Why? Because even as a kid I saw that all that scary shit from the dystopian sci-fi novels was slowly starting to come true. In the last few years this shift has ramped up considerably, to the point where I think the Thought Police are probably watching me chuckle over the many Trump memes Moby posts on his Instagram.

Here's lookin' at you, kid... (Source: Flickr User Book Radio Via Creative Commons 2.0)

As I've entered middle age, my health has slowly begun to deteriorate, which, though it's a nuisance, was also a bit of a relief, because it meant I wouldn't be around when they started airing gladiator-style reality TV shows or burning all of our books. That's why I was devastated when I recently learned that I am probably immortal.

You see, researchers at the University of Vermont have found that eating chili peppers is associated with a decrease in mortality rates. It's just the latest study touting the benefits of hot and spicy foods, which apparently do everything from lower blood pressure to prevent cancer. In this latest study, conducted at the university's Larner College of Medicine, researchers found a 13 percent reduction in mortality. The effects were especially prominent when it came to heart attacks and stroke. This was true even though the study also found that the people likely to eat chili peppers were also more likely to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. Damn! I've abstained from a lot of things believed to be bad for you, but could I have upped my spicy food intake and then puffed away all I wanted?

I already eat spicy food every chance I get (hello, kimchi!), and most packaged and processed foods are just too sweet for my taste buds. Why the heck do they put sugar in everything? As far as I'm concerned, the mark of a good meal is when it's so hot and spicy that it makes your eyes water and your nose run. Now that's some good eatin'!

However, I'm not too keen on seeing what happens now that we have cloning technology, realistic sexbots and mass surveillance by our governments, so maybe I'll switch to eating Twinkies and Krispy Kreme donuts all day. Mmmm...donuts....

Source: Flickr user Debra Drummond via Creative Commons 2.0

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