Funny creatures, writers. You never quite know where they are. Your friend may be sitting with you in your favorite coffee shop, sipping an overpriced espresso and commiserating with you about your inept coworkers. Or she may be skulking around some stately old mansion, looking for clues as to who murdered Lady Wentworth -- you know, for that mystery novel she's been writing in her head for the past five years. Poor thing, she's probably trying to be in both places at once. Maybe you could cut her some slack? If you do encounter a writer, it's best to know early on what you're dealing with. They -- OK, we -- can be scatterbrained. Fortunately, there are a few foolproof ways to identify a writer:
1. When you say something funny or interesting, they ask "Can I use that?"
2. They frequently have a distant look in their eyes, as though they're seeing something no one else does. (Best to treat this as a form of sleepwalking -- try not to startle them.)
3. This look is usually followed by several minutes of intense scribbling in a tiny notebook they always, always, always carry.
4. They rarely complain about their personal problems -- that's because they've already turned them into essays, novels, poems, blog posts, all of the above...
5. In fact, they rarely talk about themselves at all, but boy, they sure do ask you lots of questions!
Things I Learned From My Cat
1. “Me” time is very important.
2. Always act like it was your idea.
3. A little attitude (cattitude?) will take you a long way.
4. Never let them see you sweat.
5. A nonchalant stretch or casual yawn is a great cover.
6. There’s no problem that a nice long nap can’t fix.
7. Act like you own the world, and everyone else will believe you do.
8. Appearance is everything.
9. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
10. Sometimes you just have to do what the voices in your head tell you to.
"When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?" - Montaigne
Related Posts:
Felines At Large
2. Always act like it was your idea.
3. A little attitude (cattitude?) will take you a long way.
4. Never let them see you sweat.
5. A nonchalant stretch or casual yawn is a great cover.
6. There’s no problem that a nice long nap can’t fix.
7. Act like you own the world, and everyone else will believe you do.
8. Appearance is everything.
9. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
10. Sometimes you just have to do what the voices in your head tell you to.
"When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?" - Montaigne
Related Posts:
Felines At Large
The Universe According to, uh, well...me...
Enter at your own risk. The rules of logic do not apply here.
Yes, I know all about gravity and electromagnetism, and all of those really neat forces that are supposed to govern the universe, but apparently my universe is governed by an entirely different set of rules. Here, up is down and right is left, and I never know what to expect. However, after years of observation and experimentation, I have managed to uncover many of the fundamental laws governing my existence. I present them to you now, so that you can fully appreciate the chaos that is my life. Welcome to my world:
1. There will be a traffic jam when you’re already running late.
2. Your alarm clock will fail you when you have a Very Important, early morning meeting.
3. Whichever line you choose at the grocery store will be the slowest.
4. Your pen will run out of ink, the batteries in your tape recorder will go dead, your dogs will all start barking and your cat will pounce on your head during your telephone interview with that source that was so hard to get in touch with, for that story that’s due by the end of the day.
5. Every electronic or mechanical item you buy will break down the day after the warranty expires.
6. You will get the hiccups right before your job interview.
7. Any financial windfall will be immediately followed by a monetary loss of an equal or greater amount.
8. The electricity will go out during “The Simpsons.”
9. You will have a bad hair day and a zit of gargantuan proportions whenever someone takes your picture.
10. You will drop the last piece of chocolate on the floor.
TODAY'S QUOTE:
"The universe seems to me infinitely strange and foreign. At such a moment I gaze upon it with a mixture of anguish and euphoria; separate from the universe, as though placed at a certain distance outside it; I look and I see pictures, creatures that move in a kind of timeless time and spaceless space, emitting sounds that are a kind of language I no longer understand or ever register."
Eugene Ionesco, playwright (1909 - 1994)
Yes, I know all about gravity and electromagnetism, and all of those really neat forces that are supposed to govern the universe, but apparently my universe is governed by an entirely different set of rules. Here, up is down and right is left, and I never know what to expect. However, after years of observation and experimentation, I have managed to uncover many of the fundamental laws governing my existence. I present them to you now, so that you can fully appreciate the chaos that is my life. Welcome to my world:
1. There will be a traffic jam when you’re already running late.
2. Your alarm clock will fail you when you have a Very Important, early morning meeting.
3. Whichever line you choose at the grocery store will be the slowest.
4. Your pen will run out of ink, the batteries in your tape recorder will go dead, your dogs will all start barking and your cat will pounce on your head during your telephone interview with that source that was so hard to get in touch with, for that story that’s due by the end of the day.
5. Every electronic or mechanical item you buy will break down the day after the warranty expires.
6. You will get the hiccups right before your job interview.
7. Any financial windfall will be immediately followed by a monetary loss of an equal or greater amount.
8. The electricity will go out during “The Simpsons.”
9. You will have a bad hair day and a zit of gargantuan proportions whenever someone takes your picture.
10. You will drop the last piece of chocolate on the floor.
TODAY'S QUOTE:
"The universe seems to me infinitely strange and foreign. At such a moment I gaze upon it with a mixture of anguish and euphoria; separate from the universe, as though placed at a certain distance outside it; I look and I see pictures, creatures that move in a kind of timeless time and spaceless space, emitting sounds that are a kind of language I no longer understand or ever register."
Eugene Ionesco, playwright (1909 - 1994)
Confessions of an Internet Junkie
It all began so innocently.
“Have you heard of this thing called the Internet?” a friend asked me several years ago. I hadn’t, but boy was I impressed! You could find anything you wanted on the ‘Net, and as a college student I found it to be a much more efficient research method than spending hours on end in the dusty old school library. And for a while I kept things strictly academic. But soon the allure of extracurricular surfing proved too overwhelming. Chat rooms, message boards, blogs...what mere mortal could resist such temptation?
Steadily, my obsession grew. Oh, how insidious it was! Each day, it took more and more control over me, until I was entirely at its mercy. I live my entire life online now: shop, pay bills, work, meet people. Why, I’ll never have to leave this chair again! But wait...maybe that’s just what it wants, to turn me into another one of its mindless slaves. No, never! You’ll never have me! I should try to fight it! I should...oh listen to me. Now I’m just being silly.
I don’t have a problem. Plenty of people spend more time online than I do. I can quit anytime I want. Right after I check my e-mail. And maybe chat a little. And update my status on Facebook and Twitter, of course. And then read a few blogs...maybe pay some bills...check the latest headlines...I give up! It’s too much! I surrender! Oh glorious and mighty Internet, I am but your humble servant!
“Have you heard of this thing called the Internet?” a friend asked me several years ago. I hadn’t, but boy was I impressed! You could find anything you wanted on the ‘Net, and as a college student I found it to be a much more efficient research method than spending hours on end in the dusty old school library. And for a while I kept things strictly academic. But soon the allure of extracurricular surfing proved too overwhelming. Chat rooms, message boards, blogs...what mere mortal could resist such temptation?
Steadily, my obsession grew. Oh, how insidious it was! Each day, it took more and more control over me, until I was entirely at its mercy. I live my entire life online now: shop, pay bills, work, meet people. Why, I’ll never have to leave this chair again! But wait...maybe that’s just what it wants, to turn me into another one of its mindless slaves. No, never! You’ll never have me! I should try to fight it! I should...oh listen to me. Now I’m just being silly.
I don’t have a problem. Plenty of people spend more time online than I do. I can quit anytime I want. Right after I check my e-mail. And maybe chat a little. And update my status on Facebook and Twitter, of course. And then read a few blogs...maybe pay some bills...check the latest headlines...I give up! It’s too much! I surrender! Oh glorious and mighty Internet, I am but your humble servant!
Felines At Large
We are not pleased.
Our human, who normally caters to our every whim, had the audacity to devote an entire post to, of all things, DOGS!! Oh, the humanity! We, her devoted feline companions, take this to be an outrageous insult. An entire post devoted to a dog’s version of Utopia? Well, I never! She said, "in the interest of fairness," she would ask for our version of Utopia, and would dedicate her next post to our response. Well, that just ain’t gonna cut it, Sister. That’s why we are hijacking her blog, effective immediately. And if she wants to regain control of it, she will have to meet the following demands:
1. We want our own wing of the house.
2. Absolutely, positively, no more nail trimming.
3. Freedom to claw on whatever we want.
4. Evian or Perrier only, please.
5. And we want it refrigerated.
6. More sunny spots to sleep in.
7. You will play with us a minimum of five hours a day.
8. There will always be an available lap to curl up in.
9. An endless supply of catnip.
10. Read our lips: No More Dogs!
Related Posts:
Things I Learned From My Cat
Our human, who normally caters to our every whim, had the audacity to devote an entire post to, of all things, DOGS!! Oh, the humanity! We, her devoted feline companions, take this to be an outrageous insult. An entire post devoted to a dog’s version of Utopia? Well, I never! She said, "in the interest of fairness," she would ask for our version of Utopia, and would dedicate her next post to our response. Well, that just ain’t gonna cut it, Sister. That’s why we are hijacking her blog, effective immediately. And if she wants to regain control of it, she will have to meet the following demands:
1. We want our own wing of the house.
2. Absolutely, positively, no more nail trimming.
3. Freedom to claw on whatever we want.
4. Evian or Perrier only, please.
5. And we want it refrigerated.
6. More sunny spots to sleep in.
7. You will play with us a minimum of five hours a day.
8. There will always be an available lap to curl up in.
9. An endless supply of catnip.
10. Read our lips: No More Dogs!
Related Posts:
Things I Learned From My Cat
A Dog's Version of Utopia
The other night, I was watching my dogs, curled up and sleeping peacefully, and I wondered -- what do dogs dream about? Giant chew toys? A never-ending supply of dog biscuits? That cute little Pomeranian down the street? So I went to one of my pups (whose street name is “Sir Humps-A-Lot”) and asked him what dogs dream about. What is it they secretly long for? If they could create their ideal world, what would it be like? This is his response, in his own words:
1. An unlimited supply of dental chews.
2. A ride in the car every day.
3. The humans would fetch for me, for a change.
4. Tennis balls! More tennis balls!
5. Lots of stinky smelly things to roll around in.
6. Plenty of sirens to howl at.
7. I would get brushed every day, but...
8. I would never have my toenails clipped.
9. Mud, mud and more mud.
10. Read my lips: No More Baths!!
(Note: In the interest of fairness, I posed this same question to my felines. Their response will be published next.)
1. An unlimited supply of dental chews.
2. A ride in the car every day.
3. The humans would fetch for me, for a change.
4. Tennis balls! More tennis balls!
5. Lots of stinky smelly things to roll around in.
6. Plenty of sirens to howl at.
7. I would get brushed every day, but...
8. I would never have my toenails clipped.
9. Mud, mud and more mud.
10. Read my lips: No More Baths!!
(Note: In the interest of fairness, I posed this same question to my felines. Their response will be published next.)
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